Saturday, December 6, 2008

Washing Out the Fat Rolls: A Rebel Deb’s Thoughts on Puppy Love

I hate to say it, but I'm having puppy problems.

My one-and-a-half-year-old pooch, Jax, is a loveable black lab who sheds all over my East Village apartment like it’s going out of style. He loves chicken jerky, bacon bits, peanut butter, long walks on 2nd Avenue, and cuddling during my all-time favorite mindless Reality TV show, “Rock of Love”…

However, Jax is also a very lonely puppy.

As anybody who owns a pet (especially a dog) in a big city knows, apartment pooches are the equivalent of only children.

And as an only, I know this firsthand.

If I’m working all day and unable to walk him more than once, or if I’m late getting home and we show up at the dog park near Tompkins Square past 10pm, he ends up restless. Full of energy from a day of doing not so much. And then, of course, he whines and paces the floor all night while neither of us sleeps.

Sometimes, when I'm REALLY late, Jax throws temper tantrums and chews up expensive stereo equipment, shoes, CDs, etc.

...And I can't blame him.

So, I’ve decided to get Jax a friend. Specifically, an English bulldog.

Why an English bulldog, you might ask?

Well, I’ll tell you: They’re stocky, chubby, loveable, and extremely playful. Plus, they have these super-cute jowls that hang down like old Irish men.

For some reason, I’ve always found short, fat things covered in fat rolls ADORABLE. Why I’m not dating a sumo wrestler, I’ll never know.


When I mentioned my puppy love to my friend, Danielle, she agreed with my choice of pet.

The only problem, she said, that you have to WASH your bulldog puppy's fat rolls. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

And why?

Because the poor things are so fat and wrinkled that they gather dirt in between their rolls. So, if you don’t wash your poor puppy, he’ll start to smell.

Still, I love the idea of scrubbing a fat little sumo-doggie clean in my bathtub. Or watching him wrestle with Jax before bed.

“At least you’re not getting a Shitzu,” Danielle replied when I told her about my newfound puppy love. “Especially a GIRL Shitzu. They think they’re people. If they see another dog they don’t recognize, they’re just like…’I don’t like you,” and they walk away. They’re just like this bitchy, stupid girl I know. Her name is Caroline.”

And there you have it, folks. Enjoy the puppy love – for bulldogs, or otherwise. Just stay away from the Caroline dogs of the world.

Rebel Deb


La Feroce Bete said...

I've been thinking about getting an English Bulldog too!! ..but i was thwarted by comments that you have to have their eyes sewn back, costly surgery, and they have lots of health problems. You think that's true? The health problem part? Could be the fat rolls. Hmm. I still want to snuggle one till it squeaks.

Anonymous said...

Me, too! Unfortunately, I've heard that bulldogs have health problems, too, and I think it's true. I think it's less to do with fat rolls and more to do with their being an in bred, unnatural breed with hips too think to actually conceive or give birth without help. Oh well. I still love them so!

Rebel Deb