Saturday, January 10, 2009

Stop Stalking Me! The Blackberry Needs Her Space.

Dear Beloved User,

We need to talk.

Shall I be brutally honest?

You're becoming a bit of a stalker.

Have you noticed? You MUST have. Our relationship was once strong and healthy. You took care of me. We had boundaries. You cut me off at night and we each had healthy "alone" time. You bought me romantic coverlets and showered me with downloads. You treated me gently -- stroking my keys, placing me down carefully to rest your hands from holding my slender body...

But now?

Now, I can't keep your hands off me. And your key-punching, once tender, tentative and loving, has now turned to outright punching as you type away whatever meaningless work-related message you send to into cyberspace. Even your friends have noticed how you've let my coverlets wear thin -- they barely cover my spacebar anymore! Is it your intention to humiliate me?

Also, whatever happened to "me" time? A girl needs her beauty rest. Even in the bedroom, you never pay any attention whatsoever to my needs. You ignore my "off" button altogether, and keep punching away at my keys for your own selfish satisfaction. All. Night. Long. When am I supposed to find release??

The days have become even worse. What was once a momentary lust for conversation has become a constant need for interaction. Bursts of laughter and camaraderie once filled the air around me. But now your co-dependence has left you addicted to my kindness and you can’t live without my constant glowing screen and the comforting sound of my keys clacking away as you talk to your friends (yet fail to be around them... you simply talk to them through me!).

One minute, I'm the source of your addiction, then next I’m being thrown about, tossed to the passenger seat of your car like you haven’t a care in the world. The coverlet you once enclosed me in that kept me warm and protected me from the rigors of the outside world has worn thin with use and disgusting hand sweat. Now, I’m exposed, naked, for the entire world to see. How did we end up like this?

I’m through with this abuse. I feel completely used and disrespected by your bi-polar attitude!

Half the time I feel stalked, constantly watched as I sit on the floor of your room or in a corner being charged, preparing to receive more abuse. The other half, I'm ignored or thrown to the back of your life, my "off" button ignored completely while you satisfy your own needs and exhaust my battery.

The more I think about it... I feel I need time apart.

Please don’t text your friends or set up appointments on my calendar. Better yet, stop honing your brick breaker skills and go recover those friendships you’ve let go to the wayside due to your overuse of me. It’ll be beneficial to both your health and mine. I only hope that one day our relationship can flourish again.


Your BlackBerry.

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