Hold on... So He's NOT Lactose Intolerant?

It's that Time of the Month!

How I Feel on Monday Morning. Oh, and Every Time I Have Dinners with my In-Laws.

Listen up, doggie. You pee on the floor one more time, and you'll end up like this!

You Know the Economy's Really Bad When...

Kanye the Douche-Bag, Take II

Yeah, You and Me Both, Cat.

An Inside Look at a Writer's Sex-Life... (p.s. I'm the guy in this picture)

Ever Wonder Why Your High School Education Sucked?

Um... yeah...

xoxo,
Rebel Deb

Peanuts: The Next Generation

My Cats' Reaction To My "Disciplining" Them...

Kanye West Doesn't Care About White People!

Kanye probably felt like an asinine fool, so he quickly posted this apology to his official website, which is currently down. Check out how *not effing crazy* Kanye is...


"I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!"

xoxo,

Rebel Deb

Come Support Your Rebel Deb!

Hey, Ya'll!

I'll be speaking at the SOUTHERN INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLERS ALLIANCE (SIBA) TRADE SHOW on Friday, Saturday 25th at 11AM. So, if you (or anyone you know) is a local bookstore owner, come on by and give me a shout!

Here's the deets...

11:00 AM
September 25th, 2009
SOUTHERN INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLERS ALLIANCE (SIBA) TRADE SHOW
Panel Discussion & Signing
One Exposition Drive
Room 104 A
Greenville, SC 29607

xoxo,

Rebel Deb

The Rebel Deb in a Former Life: Part-Time Writer, Full-Time FREAK

The Hokie-Pokie: A Step-by-Step Guide

Welcome to the Not-So-Justice System!

A couple days ago, I trotted down to my local "Hall of Justice" to try and have my boyfriend's recent traffic ticket revoked.

See, he was driving my car in Winston-Salem, NC. And since I've been in NYC for, say, the past 3+ years, I hadn't yet taken the time to renew my tags...

Ruh-roh. Maybe you can see where this is going...

Anywho. While driving my car, we're pulled over by a local good 'ol boy cop. He's very polite, and since I "look like a nice young lady and all," tells me that he must give my boyfriend a ticket but that, "if you call the District Attorney's office, they'll dismiss the ticket."

Literally, folks. Those were his exact words.

Anywho. A couple days later, I start calling the DA's office. After an entire week of my calling and being told to "leave a message and we'll call you back" by the DA's answering service -- with no one ever actually calling me back, of course -- I finally head down to take care of the ticket in person.

And what am I told when I arrive?

These are exact quotes, ya'll... get this:

DA Office Worker: "Cops lie all the time. I wouldn't trust what he said."

Me: "Um... well, then, how are citizens supposed to know the law if officers of the court -- whose job it is to enforce it and, thus, serve and protect the public -- blatantly lie?"

DA Office Worker: "No comment."

Me: "... Okay. So, what happens if my boyfriend won't be in the state of NC to show up in court about this ticket?"

DA Office Worker: "I don't know. You may want to contact an attorney about that. I can't give legal advice."

Me: "... Okay. Can you at least tell me if he'll get points on his driving record?"

DA Office Worker: "I don't know."

Me: "Well, who would?"

DA Office Worker: "Maybe the DMV."

Me: "Okay. Can I call them, or go down to their office and ask?"

DA Office Worker: "I don't know. You may want to contact an attorney about that. I can't give legal advice."

Me: "I need to ask an attorney just to see if I should go down to the DMV?"

DA Office Worker: "Yeah. But they'll lie to you, too. You know, just so you'll pay the ticket and fees and all."

Me: "Um... how is all this lying to the public legal?"

DA Office Worker: "I don't know. You may want to contact an attorney about that. I can't give legal advice."

Me: "No comment."

Welcome to the Not-So-Justice Department, folks! Isn't bureaucracy GREAT?

xoxo,

Rebel Deb

Sheesh, Dad! That Tickles!

How I Feel When Trying to Write My New Book.

Well, F*ck You, Tuesday.

I Will Never, EVER Use Priceline EVER Again. And Neither Should You.

Priceline put the wrong name on my boyfriend's ticket, then wouldn't admit to their mistake, and also wouldn't refund our money. He missed his flight tonight, ruining our Labor Day weekend. I will never, ever use a third party ticket vendor again.

Step Into My Office.... (sssh! the cats are listening!)

The View from My Living Room Window... Pretty Much Every. Single. Day.

I-Phones: The Next Generation

How I Feel on a Monday Morning...

Birthday Par-TAAAAAY!

Tonight is my belated birthday extravaganza, betches!

I can't wait. I'm having lunch with Katie from the PR department at Penguin today. Then, I'm picking up my birthday cake -- chocolate devil's food with chocolate buttercream icing -- tonight at 7pm.

Between then, I think the man and I will go for a run... if it ever stops raining in Manhattan, that is. Wouldn't you know it, the weekend I come to visit, we're hit by a tropical storm!

Rain, rain, go away -- come again to somebody ELSE'S birthday!!

Hey, You! Stop Fighting With Your Sister!

Me giving Princess Vespa a stern "talking-to" this morning after I found more bite marks on Butters ears...



What's a cat-mommy to do??

xoxo,

Rebel Deb

Why I'm Glad I Don't Have Kids...

My Cats Hate Me.

My new kittens hate me. They must, I believe, to ruin my quiet time like they do.

Their usual routine is to spend all night -- every night -- fighting with each other. I try and work around their constant mewling and bawling. I step over them as they bite and claw at each others' necks. I am awoken to the sound of the pair of them rolling down the hallway, melded together like some gigantic kitty bowling ball. And my bedroom door? Their pins. They crash into it every hour on the hour... all. Night. Long.

And then, after they've torn each other apart into shreds of tired kitty flesh... they do this:





xoxo,

Rebel Deb

Pet Wars, Part I

Ever since Butters and Princess Vespa (yay! I finally decided on their names!) moved into my pad, my poor dog, Jax, has been paying the consequences.

What should I do? Keep the sequestered in separate rooms? Have a doggie "time-out" and a kitty "time-out" chair? I've heard cats usually take leadership role when cohabiting with dogs... I never thought my two-month old kittens would be kicking my two-year old dog's ass.

Ah, a pet-Mommy's work is never done...

xoxo,

Rebel Deb

What Shall I Name My Pussies?

I've recently adopted to new kittens from the pound...



And I'm now searching for names. I've always been a "dog person," you know? Someone who enjoys the friendly, interactive, clingy nature of puppies. Someone who loves having a mute, stick-chewing, ball-catching buddy around. But since my new apartment doesn't allow dogs, I had to settled for cats... and I must say, these two are turning out to be my new best friends.

But what to call them? My list so far:

1) Butters and Princess Vespa (from "South Park" and "Spaceballs," of course)
2) Bubbles and Spot
3) Hairy and Snatch
4) Lord Takealeak and Lady Grabbermuffin
5) Karl and Marx
6) Siegfried and Roy, or...
7) Criss Angel and Mindfreak

What to choose? What to choooooose?

xoxo,

Rebel Deb

Save the Children! Where's Sally Struthers When You Need Her?

Behold! The Power of Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Dumber Dolls

Meatwad: "Frylock, where are the pills?"

Frylock: "Pills! What do you need pills for?"

Meatwad: "Well Happy Time Harry needs 'em. He says that the pills make the phone calls go away."

Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Dumber Dolls

Shared via AddThis

I am Helmet Cat. Make My Day, Punk.

What are Best Friends For? (Apparently, not much.)

My Near-Death Experiences

Time and time again, I seem to almost fall victim to disaster. To almost die. To nearly get flattened by a big, fat rock like Wiley Coyote.

Take for example, how I woke up one winter morning a few months ago prepared to fly from Laguardia to Raleigh, NC, without any problems. Unfortunately, about fifteen minutes after I awoke, I got an emergency call from US Airways. They'd cancelled my flight. Due to "weather."

Yeah, right. When I finally get to Laguardia, I'm rerouted to Charlotte. I have two options for flights: One leaving rightthisminute and one leaving in about an hour. Having just waited the whole morning for my rerouted flight, I take the one leaving rightthisminute.

So, I push through security, run to my gate and just make the flight to Charlotte. Two hours laters and I'm safe and sound in the South...

Only guess what's playing in a nonstop loop on every TV screen nationwide?



A US Airways plane. From Laguardia. To Charlotte. That left, oh, about an hour after the flight that I just made by the skin of my teeth and which was now sitting in the Hudson River.

A few months later, Justin and I are traveling again. We catch a flight from Laguardia to Chicago, only just narrowly avoiding some crazy homeless guy showing up at our exact same gate with a bomb strapped to his chest!



Folks were evacuated and trapped outside Laguardia for HOURS after the guy was arrested. Had we gotten caught up in that mess, we never would've made it to the "Heil Hitler" wedding (see previous post). What a drag!

And it only gets worse -- this time, with boats instead of planes.

Justin planned a romantic surprise for me last weekend to celebrate my upcoming birthday. First, he orders me to dress up (which I happily do!). Then, we hop into a cab and he hands the driver instructions so I can't figure out where we're going (cool, huh?). Then, about twenty minutes later, we arrive (ta da!) at Pier 81, where a HUGE cruise ship is waiting to whisk us around Manhattan.

We have a wonderful night of dinner, dancing and staring up at the Statue of Liberty passing by. I'm elated -- on top of the world -- and I feel like I have the best boyfriend ever. We make it home after more than too many espresso martinis, fall into bed to sleep it all off...

And awake the next morning to find that we were thisclose to a helicopter falling on our heads!




What the hell, people?! Who faces down death/dismemberment this often? I feel like a cat with nine lives who's only got about six left.

xoxo,

Rebel Deb

Joey Heatherton? You Rock.

It's Hard Ta Be A(n Asian) Pimp

Squirrels are Sketchy!

A Southern Hick Goes to Chi-Town

Last weekend, I flew to Chicago for a real down-home Yankee wedding.

On Friday, after 7 hours of flying/waiting/freaking-the-f*ck-out (thanks, Delta Airlines! You rock!), I finally made it O'Hare airport. Then I spent another hour packed into the back of a tiny Honda Accord driving to Naperville, IL.

Surprisingly, the streets of Naperville looked just like those of any town in rural South Carolina -- only with black dirt lining the pavement instead of red clay. Oh, and there were all sorts of "Real Housewives of New Jersey"-looking half-built mansions sitting around in various states of decay because the rich bitches who bought them ran out of money and left them there to rot.

Anywho...

On Saturday, I headed down to the local Presbyterian church, where a huge congregation was assembled for the wedding. It wasn't surprising that, since the bride and groom are religious, that their ceremony would be, too. It was, however, a bit weird when the whole audience was asked to "lift their hands for the usual blessing of the church."

Don't get me wrong -- blessings are great. But this particular blessing involved a particularly strange hand gesture...



No joke, folks. Right there in the middle of being married, the happy couple was "blessed" by a crowd raising its hands in collective "salute" to their future...um...joy.

That, or either I'd mistaken a Nazi rally for a wedding.

Anywho...

On Sunday, I headed over to do some sight-seeing at Navy Pier. It was a fun-filled day of beer, mango daiquiris, pina coladas, crab cake sandwiches and more beer. Oh, and some creepy guy playing with marionettes.



After that and a pound of beer-boiled hot dogs, I took a couple rides on the Ferris Wheel and felt like a true Yankee, born and bred... well, minus the annoying nasal-y accent and pushy personality, that is.



xoxo,

Rebel Deb

Mr. Peanut Loves You. Betch.

The Rebel Deb's Summer Reading List

Some of the Rebel Deb's favorites summertime reads (to go along with a mint julep or nice, tall glass of sweet tea!):

1) Naked" by David Sedaris


















2) "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs
























3) "Thus Spake Zarathustra" by Friedrich Nietzsche (I know, I know... I'm gonna get hate mail for this one. And if I don't, it just means no one's reading great philosophers anymore. So which is worse? Hate mail for me, or the general malaise and intellectual degradation of readers? I'm just not sure.)























4) "The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love" by Jill Connor Browne























5) "A Wolf at the Table" by Augusten Burroughs
























6) "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies," by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith












xoxo,

Rebel Deb